A Funny Short One

I've razed a field of rye

Sheafs of wheat I've strangled

I've made some maize to die

Heads of barley I have mangled

I've spelled the end for spelt

My job title is 'miller' -

But in my heart I've always felt

I am a cereal killer

Ten of the Best

I have been published!! Every poet's dream, made glorious reality... This lovely anthology features 10 poems each by 5 upcoming young Welsh writers. I am one of them!! It is part of Parthian's Bright Young Things series, with me definitely putting the 'Thing' into that particular phrase... Anyway, if you'd like to buy a copy, please message me, or go to

http://www.parthianbooks.co.uk/content/ten-best

You are also very welcome to attend the Cardiff launch of this and the Nu2 anthology of nu Welsh writing (which I happen to be in as well!) on Weds 13th July at 7pm, Chapter Arts Centre in Cardiff

http://www.chapter.org/23395.html

Useless/Useful Things Competition

Spurred on by the useless/useful nature of the Banana Guard, I have decided to conduct a small competition. Write a poem (ode, ballad, villanelle, blank verse, etc) dedicated to, or inspired by, one of the least, or most, useful things you know of, and you could win a prize!!

Since I am going to be in a book called 'Ten of the Best', the best of the poems received shall win a copy of the book as 1st prize. Second and third will win smaller prizes, taken from the Mountains of Crap I seem to accumulate (cool crap, tho! I promise).

Please send your poems to: mabananajones(at)gmail.com

Winners will be announced on the 13th July, at the Ten of the Best launch at Chapter Arts Centre, Cardiff.

http://www.parthianbooks.co.uk/content/ten-best

Banana Guard

You never know what you need until you find it. Yes, *neeeeed*!! A banana guard is a wonderful idea. It will guard my banana (singular?) from potential banana thieves. This could happen! No, really....

I found this in a charity shop in Canton, Cardiff today. To find out more, see:

Banana Guards Website

NaPoWriMo - Poem 12 - Bankers Rhymes With...

This is a poem inspired by the news images of bankers waving monetary notes above an NHS demonstration in London: http://politicalscrapbook.net/2011/03/grinning-deutsche-bank-staff-wave-money-at-nhs-protesters/

So let the bankers wave their notes
At nurses from their bunkers;
The buggers will have empty purses
One day, for their deeds.

Ignore the wankers with their bills
Above the noble workers;
They'll wake up in that other world
On bended f***ing knees.

NaPoWriMo - Poem 11 - It Could Be You

It Could Be You

That big white finger
In the sky
Could split the clouds
And come on down
To stop above
Your little house
And turn you
From a pauper
To a prince

But then that finger
Could come down
To point out
To the whole world how
You’re guilty
Of some unknown crime
And turn you
From your bed
Into a straightjacket or cell

We read our
Sunday papers
And marvel at the luck
Of those
Who win
And those
Who lose

But when a knock
Comes at
Your door
Remember that
This time
It could be you

NaPoWriMo - Poem 10 - Bone Poem

By mistake, you break a bone;
Take a smashing trip, or lose your grip
On a stair, somewhere.
Unable to get up
Because your tibia’s in two,
Your fibula in need of glue,
Disabled by your humerus:
Not humourous
At all. So, you could try calling the
National Accident Helpline. But all they’ll do
Is help you sue
Whoever made you fall.
And if that who was you,
Well, then – your bank account
Will be in two ‘n’ all.

NaPoWriMo - Poem 9 - Whatifyou

Whatifyou
(Or, better call the National Accident Helpline!)

Whatifyou have an accident at work
Whatifyou get tangled up in wires
Whatifyou trip or stumble,
f
a
l
l
Bounce on your bonce
Like a rubber ball, neckbones
Mangled, eyeballs
Angled so that you look
At everything sideways?

Whatifyou slip on milk in the supermarket
Whatifyou go flying arseovertip or
Headoverheels, whatifyou trip
On the trolley’s wheels
And all your microwave meals
Go f l y i n g ?

Whatifyou crash in a smash
With your car, or a bustumblesoveryou,
Or you’re walking along and a long
Lorry worms your way
Resulting in a terriblecase of
Stubtoe or
Backbreak or
Headinabrace?

Then you’d better call
THE NATIONAL ACCIDENT HELPLINE

Well, either that,
Or stop being such
A clumsy PRAT.

NaPoWriMo - Poem 8 - Llantwit

Llantwit Major is one village down from St Athan, where my mum lives. While I realise people from Llantwit are known as 'Llantonians', this is just a bit of fun, okay...??

Llantwit

If Cardiff’s the Diff,
and Newport’s the Port,
then what

is this?

NaPoWriMo - Poem 7 - Hey bud

This is my 2nd poem inspired by the Puya bud that is blossoming for the first time in 10 years at the Botanic Garden of Wales. It's a shorter n funnier one, and is meant to be read in a Cardiff accent. My longer (n better!) poem is below. Forgive me - this is written as part of the NaNoWriMo poem-a-day challenge. I'm - getting t i r e d . . . !

Hey bud

Hey bud. Stickin out the mud
Like tha - like summin rude.
I yurd you wuz the biggest in
The wurld. Well -
Yuh no’ so big tuh me.
I’ve seen biggerer, an berruh-
Ruh... I’ll gerruh measurin tape
An chuck ir at yuh, in a min.
Fatso. Freak. Yuh nor as brillyunt
As wha they says. Yoo-neek?
Nah. Bud? Hey bud??
Uh you listenin
Tuh me....???